some day == today

'Some day I'll speak of the past - not the future - as something unfathomable. '



i know now.
i know that i was right.
all the pain.
all the turmoil.
the up late can't sleep searching
inside rather than out for the answer.
from day one.
wasn't in vain.
the air never did tell me lies.
i knew that.
but i could never have
believed it.

until now.

they told me i was crazy. i told me i was crazy. for thinking up here. instead of down there, where all seems well and sound. i'll tell them now. find the key. unlock the door. and find yourself in another. we are all meant for connection.
we are all connection.
see it. believe in it.
those prickles on the back of your neck are surely not from the air- there is no breeze. find out what it is. experience feeling overpower sensical reason. and don't think it's crazy. unless the definition of crazy is this.

i do not believe that once we are up- up as far as we've ever imagined- we must go down, for there is no alternative. up never ceases. up is determined by our will our beauty our strength our desire to explore and find and discover and never plateau.
i never.
want to plateau.
i never.
want to say that there is no more.
there is always more.
there will always be more.


____________________________________________________



i feel the need for short words today. short ideas. broken, even. maybe because this consciousness that i am riding on has too much to say in one sitting for an early night. so i'll pick and choose at random and hope to strike a chord with my mind. i like to think of my hand reaching out in any direction, closing over mystery, and opening to show me what i am thinking. in that place. that is no place at all. where my hand ventured with no guidance. it's amazing what i don't know that i'm thinking about it until i allow myself focus. i believe that one day, in life or death, i'll explore it all. there seems no reason to think and know if not to discover it for myself. i am not such a diligent student to complete assignment as surplus. i want to learn from me. i want to know what i'm thinking.

and i know.
right now.
that much of what i know
but have yet to discover
will be found.
in you.

foot poem as per request

these feet are for walking
for walking all over me
but wait
i say
that's impossible!
how is it that my own feet tread on my own body
i am no gymnast, let me tell you

who says these feet are mine, however?
mine? no. yours, surely.
tread. tread. tread. the feet they don't bother
it's the principle that makes me sick
fucking sick

keep walking
and i'll turn to coal
hot coal
but i'm far from the truth, you know,
i could never burn the soles of yours
because the soles of yours are your
fucking vehicle
and the souls of yours couldn't possibly burn.

you get the picture.

----------------------

it's funny. i sit. i wait. i know that my topic is given on this purple
sheet fluttering in the fan behind my head but somehow i must make feet
turn to self
everything
to self
cannot just be feet, now can they? because what a fucking metaphorical trick! it would be
to use feet as feet and not as tools. fucking tools. to bear down to capture. to see inside.
always looking inside. inside. ah. maybe they are just feet. maybe they are tired. maybe i'll let you put them up for the night and won't comment on your laziness. maybe i'll paint those bland fucking toenails so that when you look down, you think of me. every time. i like metallic pink for a starter. put your feet up. i'll let you stay awhile. but i won't move. i won't ask you leave. or stay. i'll just sit there. and offer to paint.

where am i

or what? down? out? weak? tired?
or fucking energized anxious seeking and scared?
i can't tell right now. i can't tell much of anything. i can't sleep anymore, i know that.
but this is nothing new in my life, so maybe i shouldn't take note. but wait! always take note! always see things for what they are, which is usually that which we overlook. if i could only turn my eyes to everything standing clearly i would lose this torment. sole possibility, of course. though it's worth a try. if i stop goddamn trying so hard to see things. to hear things. to know things about me. and you. and all of us. maybe they'd be there presenting to me everything i question. maybe that's how the game works. if i look, i overlook. if i don't, i will never see. i have yet to find the balance, fill the void, stop the anger. stop the anger. why does it feel so satisfying to have pain? to know we are alive? to know we breathe and laugh and work for a reason? to remind us that things are always up if the direction down exists? i know i do it for those reasons. amongst others. and maybe one day. one bright, rainy, warm day. i'll look up to the sky and know that's the reason that i'm here. to see the sky. and to believe in something. to believe in someone. but for now. constant testing. to remind myself. i am alive! i can feel! and it is not always as bad as, well, it could be! maybe it's an excuse. i know that most things i do serve some sort of excuse. for myself. my lack. my lack of truth that i present to the world. my lack of confidence in my self. my. self. why? why must it always come back to us? how fucking selfish are we wired to be? or is that just another one of my shortcomings? and your shortcomings? or maybe a gift, this self-reflection. maybe a true gift. i know somewhere in here. in here. that i know others through knowing myself. and i like it. yeah. simple words today. saying it straight today. or forward if you prefer the word. contextual, isn't it? life, that is. smiles, that is. words, that is. i'm here. i'm healthy. i have fun. enough. enough. enough. not enough. not ever fucking enough. until the day i believe that first cadence i will believe the latter. the fucking latter. because. for me. now. there is not enough. and i know it's waiting. i just don't know how line this line i'm standing in stretches. it turns the corner down on 3rd street. maybe it ends there. maybe it bends again. i will see. but until then. never enough. never there. there. there. if you find it, let me know what it's like. i enjoy mental pictures for future comparison. good luck. good day. goodnight.