listen to me

this is a message to me
from me

listen. you know better. you know yourself too well. too well for this. what are you doing? where the fuck do you think you are going? get back here. and listen to me. stop looking away and quit pretending i don't know you best. because i do. i also know the rules all too well. i can't possibly be wrong, and you know that...we've been here before. so just fucking listen already.

don't play that game. get out of this confining hellhole now and start running. hike up those pantlegs and tie your shoelaces, it's going to be a long run. watch out for puddles, they're everywhere. but don't stop, please, just keep going. and no, i cannot tell you the point of arrival, your final destination. you'll know when you get there. write me when you do, i'll be thinking of you.

i know you can do it. but you must commit. never let up. call me to check in at least every other day. don't forget, this is for you. and everyfuckingbodyelse.

love,
me

gnikaeps sdrawkcab

can't seem to just spit it all out and lay it all out on the table, can we? first, as the guide tells us, we must mix things up in our own minds. let it settle. go back and confuse the hell out of it one more time, repeat repeat now repeat that step. slowly sift through the overexamined everything and begin to understand something. then one more thing. and another. suddenly, and with a jolt of heart-piercing truth, we discover what it is that we believe. and feel. and know. and it begins to hurt. ache. and save, consume, wrap itself around us until we are decapacitated in every other light. but we let it and we love it and we know it and we hate it and we feel it and we wish it away but could never will it away. now it's that resting point when all-encompassed by this thing describes us best. let it sit. mingle. then decide. what to do with it? make it go away? impossible? catalyze a session of soul-bearing truth? we all know that's ne'er impossible in this place. with these interactions we force ourselves into. what if we did? bear all. tell all. transparent exposure is the advice we all receive. but what if it backfires and a body mangled in hate and despair is all that survives the crash? if there's a possibility, it's too risky to try. so we sit with this hurt and anger and mistrust and we know only ourselves and others know only themselves but only half because the other half if the us that reveals the known half to all. that extrovert waiting to be discovered. that honesty that creates a new soul. who knows? i don't. clearly. my advice is never that which i follow. my head is never on course with that beating thing that matters more. so i'll sit here and type at this overused keyboard and i'll wonder where to go next and i'll never find the answer but i'll pretend that i have it all figured out tomorrow. and the next day. and when you ask me, i won't tell, see above, i'll deny and i'll lie and i'll curse myself for it at the end of the day. but i will do one thing. protect this shell and protect the me that i present to you. and maybe that's enough to contain the throbbing pain. we'll see.

tell me what my hands were made for

listening too much to too much
two is never too many
because one is never quite enough
that's what they tell us anyhow

listening to the rhythms packed into small
pieces of metal pushed into our brains every morning
as we leave for that bus that's never on time
forcing ourselves to understand that beating thing
in our chest incessantly urging us on into this day
through them who teach us
us

when will we learn to write our own lyrics to our own lives?
tomorrow is too late sit down now and write yourself a line
and then two or three just go til your hand hurts
then set it to that music playing in your prettyboy brain
that jangling jingle that hasn't left you since age five
make it useful put words to it and tell me your new story
i'm tired of the old

not through their words but yours because quotations and
life through them in words of others
confuses me to an entropic state of nothing you can imagine
because imagining beyond images is too much to ask these days, is it not?

[tell me i'm what your mouth was made for.]

i guess sometimes they just say it best.
keep it playing back in your mind until you make theirs yours.
then you don't have to make your own. it's become so in due time.

...

title says it all they say
i believe it today
___________


[listen to them you always have]
always will with those fresh eyes you claim to see through
i see through those eyes, though, see right through you
wish you knew how far i can look inside of you how much i know you
more than you know
you've never asked yourself why
what
where
who
i've asked your eyes those things
and i know the answers
not from those eyes or even from what's behind
but because of what i feel when i look through them
because when i look through them
all i see is myself
and i know me
[as well as you know you]


tell me truthfully
do you see you when you look into me?
i hope you do, because i feel you. i think you're up there. making my every move.
outdoing me with every step overtaking my determined path to throw me onto yours.
i don't seem to mind, however, as you may well see right now as i call you out.
knock on my door and see you answer. i'll turn my blinder on. pretend i don't know. i'll let you stay. for days. months. years? why, if you like, my dear.
you've already taken over my body my soul why not take permanent residence? i can see no reason why not my strength is tapped my will is yours will it please you will it make you smile? if yes, yes. if no? how? can i get you a cup of tea? are you warm up there? in here? in my mind? my heart? my everything? how can i make you more comfortable? oh. oh. i know! ...
...
i'll gut myself. i'll purge. i'll binge on the love you once gave me and purge. why? i'll know once again that it's not mine to possess. repeat. repeat. refuckingpeat. does it make you more comfortable? now that you have the control? i know. i had it then. i was on top in this flipflop game of power. and you're taking it all back in one violent show of dominance. reclaim your independence! take it and run! no. don't run! stay here! mindfuck me mindfuck me! thank you. that feels good. anything else i can do for you, my one and only all consuming undying love? oh. one more thing. i've wrapped it just for you with silk ribbons and a card made by hand. ask kurt cobain he'll explain better. i was never one for words. maybe that's what killed us. goodnight my love. i'll be sleepless with my sorrow and you will have your own new love...and mine.
-----------------------




[sometimes i don't know where these things come from. i am not experiencing that scenario now. but i begin to type and i get angry for anyone who's ever felt it. and i become them. and i could go all day. being them. goal in life: a mind trade. i can't pick the person, that is too difficult. plus, none of us have a clue about our relation's minds. we are all so drowned by impression at this stage that we forget how apart we ourselves are from the impressions we give to others. and no. i'm not the only one who is tricky tricky. nor are you, my dear friend. we are all here to play this funny and frightening game of who thinks what and who did what and who am i if you aren't you? so. any mind will do. i like surprises. wanna trade?]

pick us up

it's interesting, you see
the way we use our neighbors' happiness
to bring ourselves down

as if they in their blissful state
could not possibly see us
down here
being stepped on and left for dead

but why not use it? use the positive energy they leave for us
radiating around us, just waiting to be wrapped around us, draped
maybe i am crazy
well i am

but to think that others' joy should show us what we're missing is altogether self-destructive.
if all were in misery, who would pick us up on the day of despair?
who would smile when it seemed impossible a task?
i guess we owe it to those shining happy people everywhere.

i suppose i'm grateful for them.
sometimes, though. i wish i could stay one for more than a few hours at a time.
i can get there. and so can you. it just takes that element of earthshattering value that we are lacking at the moment.

afterall, what and why right now if not me? and me is not the answer.